[Advance to 2:37 for the TOGA! action.]
Derek and I have signed up for a beginning class in yoga. Just when you thought we couldn’t possibly be a more twee couple––with our homemade pastas, chest freezer, pez collection, wind-up toy collection and substantial selection of retro video games––we add couples yoga to the mix. Sling your barbs and arrows while you can people, because after tomorrow afternoon this afternoon we will be so freaking zen we won’t even feel ’em. That’s right, we’re going to be meditating and stretching and downward facing like the pros. I have some concerns about yoga in general which is probably why I haven’t jumped on the namasté bandwagon until now. But if anyone could use some meditation it’s the dynamic liver duo over here.
I’m going to outline my concerns below, and then maybe I will write a review of our first class and we’ll all get to see if my fears were rooted in any kind of reality.
- What if I suck at yoga? I’m not kidding, what if I am the worst student ever? What if my downward facing dog looks more like a wounded rodent? I’m pretty lacking in the coordination department. I’m hoping practice makes perfect applies to yoga. I’m also super competitive and I have a feeling Derek will be the star of the class. Although…he is not a very flexible guy, so maybe I won’t be the worst one in the class. Love you, sweetie.
- Is yoga mat funk contagious? I feel like I’ve seen a lot of stories on the interwebs about the dangers lurking in yoga mats. Is this something I need to be concerned about?
- I’m just going to say it: farting. Is it expected? Allowed? I’m sorry if I offended any of you with my mention of farting, but now that it’s out there…seriously is this an issue? I’m afraid I might try some kind of crazy stretch and then whoa nelly. What’s the protocol here? Are you supposed to leave the room? Do you acknowledge that it happened?
- What happens if I get the giggles? Again, is this sort of thing frowned upon? Sometimes in situations where it’s important to be serious or quiet I start to giggle uncontrollably. Do people get kicked out of yoga for this kind of thing?
The Derek Janiak Hepatobiliary Forum 
Geez! As a former regular yoga guy (Reene’s close to starting) I have to say, without research and consternation, NONE OF THE ABOVE! I can’t think of anything other than a) Relax (You remind me of my myriad advance and unfounded concerns about full body massage), b) As with variety of massage techniques, there are all sorts of Yoga levels. One will find you or you will find it. If your liver buddy exceeds expectations. nudge him into a more advanced group. In my mind, Yoga is not a competitive experience, is it? This post caused repeated “expelling” of guffaws. Well done. sQs
I can’t decide whether or not you realize that most of this post was in jest and hyperbolic. But I am happy to hear that my father has taken a yoga class and not collapsed into a fit of giggles. And just so you know, competitive yoga is totally a thing and is apparently cut throat, but you’re right, that’s not really what we’re going for. xoxo
From the Official Competitive Yoga Rulebook 3rd edition:
Section 126.67
“If you feel the need to fart during a yoga competition (all yoga is you vs them, so all class levels count as competitions), stand up, loudly state your intentions to your competitors, walk to the nearest door, open it, stick your butt out the door, but remain in the room, as yoga is all about oneness and you don’t want to disrupt that by fully leaving the room, pass your ass breath and then return to your stinky gross mat.”
Great Sean, now I have the giggles. 😉